Goofy Evil
by Bobtheklobb
Summary: Chris and co have made it to the mansion, For some Zany antics! Flames welcome... sorta
1. Default Chapter

bobtheklobb: Yo what up? I'm new to ff.net and hope to for a long while. I'm posting my first story. It is an epic that will make you cheer with happiness, pump you up with action, leave you on the edge of your seat, make you cry your eyes out, and touch your heart deeply...NOT! The only thing this will do is make you laugh. So I hope you're not too hyped up. Enjoy this fic, it's based off of RE1 and the ever so goofy plot.  
  
NOTE: I don't own RE or anything worth the mud on your shoe. PART ONE: Another normal day...  
  
The day had begun fairly regularly, I got up, got dressed brushed my teeth, had a coffee and went to work. The office was as sleeply as ever, as always everybody was doing what they usually do, Wesker was reading a Stephen King novel and roaring with laughter, Joesph was squishing a spider, that had apparently made scared Brad so bad he was bawling like a baby. Rebecca's desk was still of course untidy and messed up, she wasn't unpacked yet. Of course, there was Barry, Who was eating a bowl of Captain Crunch and watching some cartoon on a small Tv. I walked over to see what he was doing. "Hello Barry," I said...no answer. "PWAHAHAHAHA!!" If you include that, as a response. I sighed and went to my desk as Barry spit chewed up cereal all over the tv and tipped over in his chair. I searched again, "Hey where is Chris?" I looked around, it was nine A.M. Chris usually burst in without any pants and dove into my arms shreiking "HELLOOOOOOO!" Wesker immediatly dropped the book and blurted out something very quickly "Ididn'tspillt-virusinhiscofee!" Every member of the team glarred at the usually silent man. Barry frowned "What?" FLASHBACK Wesker snuck through Chris's condo grinning like a mad monkey. "Heh-heh... now you're gonna get it Chri-OOF!" Wesker had tripped over a large lump of something. He pulled himself up and nearly gasped in shock. Chris was on the floor, dead lying in a pile of his innards! "Wait a minute..." Wesker looked closer at the "innards" nevermind, it was his vomit, Chris just got really drunk, threw up and passed out in a pile of his own barf. Wesker lightly slapped himslef in the head for not realizing it. He stepped over the drunk youth and pulled out a vile of T- virus He poured it into a convieniatly(sp) placed cup of coffee. He rubbed his hands together in a menacing way, grinning with malice. "I have you now Chris Redfield, soon you'll be a lifeless slob that only eats the flesh of weaker beings!" Wesker's left eye began to twitch as he began the trademark laugh, "HAHAHAHA! MWAHAhaha..ha?" Wesker frowned, "Isn't Chris already a lifeless slob that eats the flesh of weaker things? Oh well! HAHAHAHA!!!" Wesker dashed out the door and to the hq. END FLASHBACK "Look! A uh... duck!" Barry grinned and spun around. "Wow! I like ducks!" Barry began to chase the fake fowl and plowed through the wall, I groaned and turned to Wesker, "Dammit Wesker that's the 4th time this month!" Meanwhile Chris dove through the crater and landed on my lap grinning  
  
"HELLLLLLLLLLLLLO JILL!" Chris grinned broadly. "Are you ready to marry me yet?" I sighed and pulled out the tazer, driving it into Chris's nads. Chris instantly lit up like a christmas tree, twitching madly and flying off my lap, he fell to ground, twitching and jabbering before going into a fetal position and sucking his thumb. Wesker by now was long gone and the radio was crackling. "He-KRRR-o! Can-KRRR any-krrr hear -KRRR!" Joesph dashed to radio and picked up the speaker "Who's there! Respond!" Joesph dramatically called back. The voice broke through again, "-KRRR-help, we ne-KRRR rescue KRRRRRR!" Joesph's face became serious "Stop making that KRRRR noise! It's driving me nuts!" "Sorry, this is Kevin, we need help there are abunch of evil Residents like a monster frog, and uhh oh hi, can I help you? Uhhhhh, huh? Well AUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! AIIIEEEEE! THE PAIN!! NO! DIE!! OH NO! HE TOOK MY GUN AND IS USING IT ON ME!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! -crackle-"  
  
"Kevin...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Joesph immediatly broke down crying loudly. Brad had wet his pants, the crackle made him think his skull was cracking. Chris had gotten back up was holding a shotgun. "Alright guys! time for action!" Chris aimed the weapon at the target on the wall. Barry was back to, holding duck, petting it. "Uh Chris... is that loaded?" Chris grinned "Heck no, see? *BAM!*" Chris let go of the gun and screamed like a girlscout in the woods jumping into my arms...again. I once again applied the tazer, Chris exploded in electricity and splattered against the wall, Brad peeled him off the wall, and looked at him, "You okay Chris?" Chris's only response was a gurgling noise. He was smoldering still. "Well we may as well suit up now," Barry giggled with glee. "I love to suit up!" Onto the equipment room we went POV Switch to Chris. I pulled myself up and brushed off the dead skin and dirt off, there was surprising little, Jill must be in a good mood.well suit up time, I ran to the equipment station. And got the equipment Berretta, CHECK Survival knife CHECK Body armor CHECK Ammo CHECK first aide spray CHECK I was about to leave when I realized I forgot the two most important items. I pulled the porno and rubber duck out from locker (That's why he has 6 item spaces). I heard Wesker call my name. "Christhisway!" Why he said it so fast, I dunno it was like a zombie dog attacked me. I followed quickly and boarded the chopper. We lifted off in silence ready for the mission but Barry suddlenly blurted out "STOP! I gotta pee!"  
  
Bobtheklobb: Well that's it for now...review if you want more, flame if you must. But you'll break my spirit and I'll be forced to send...something after you... 


	2. Falling down a hole

Bobtheklobb: I'm back and after only one review. Oh well, as you saw last time, the chopper took off and the team flew off to locate their lost compatriots. So to all readers, please enjoy the second installment of Goofy Evil  
  
NOTE: I don't own RE  
  
==Chris POV== The helicopter was off and passing the forest. I had settled into my seat and was enjoying the view. There was a mirror that gave me a great view of Jill's breasts. I forgot that I was supposed to be recording the mission. "Alpha team is flying around the forest situated in northwest Raccon City," I cleared my throat. "We are looking for our compatriot Bo-uh Bravo team!" Jill was onto me!! Jill flashed the tazer and grinned menacingly. I small whimper escaped my throat. "There have been outlandish reports of families being attacked by a group of about 69-no! I mean! JILL STOP NO!! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Jill had droved the tazer into my stomach causing me to wave my arms around knocking Wesker's sunglasses out the window. "MY SHADES!!!" Wesker's face was beat red. "Oh crap..." I cowered in my seat, but Wesker regained his coolness and turned to Brad.  
  
"Brad land the helicopter please,"  
  
"But Wes-" "NOW!!!!!!!!" Brad did as he was told and landed the chopper shaking like a small shitzu. Wesker dashed out quickly tearing forest apart looking for his specs. "Ah... I found them," Wesker was grinning madly. Though we were supposed to look for clues, I joined Barry in feeding an ant to an auntlion. "Haha! Now you gonna die!" Barry was evily grinning and rubbing his hands together. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------- Jill's POV== I noticed Chris and Barry goofing around and Wesker posing in his sunglasses. It was yet again, up to me to solve the case. Vaugely I heard Joesph calling out. But that didn't matter, Joesph always said he found something, looked at for ten minutes and drawed out a bunch of terrorists. I let him call out. He'd usually say, "HELP I'M UNDER ATTACK!" but this time he said: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" I turned to see Joesph being ripped apart by a group of dogs. One of them turned to me, and of course, I fell on my ass, I had a bad habbit of doing that. Chris immediatly charged up and pounced the dog, letting out a war whoop and tearing the heart out biting a chunk out of it. He then out a war whoop screaming "AI YAYAYAYA! I AM CHRIS REDFIELD! DESTROYER OF EVIL!!!!!! Oh yeah, come on!" He helped me up and we sprinted forward. The dogs were in our pursuit, we were both sprinting as fast as possibile when Brad flew overhead in the chopper. "Hey Brad! Where the hell's he going!" Chris shouted. Brad's head appeared out the helicopter window. "The hell outta here!" Brad shouted back. "Damn you!" Chris hurled his handgun at Brad, hitting the wussy pilot in the nogin. Brad clutched his forehead and the chopper spun out of control and out of sight. The were dangerously close now, and for some odd reason Chris did a 180 and was glaring into the dog's mug. Chris began to move very slowly, should I help him? Nah... I cackled and dashed away.------ ---------------------------------------------------------- =Chris's POV== This was the end! There were so many things I haven't done! Like uh... nevermind. I covered my face as the dog was blasted away. The barrel of Wesker's gun was smoking. "Chris this way!" I did as I was told. All of us ran for a nearby mansion. Barry didn't make with us, I don't know if he's alive.------------- ------------------------------- Meanwhile. Barry had stayed behind and managed to kill the dogs, He grinned and reloaded the magnum. "That takes care of that, I gotta get to that. uh.house thing," Barry ran toward the mansion, until he felt no ground beneath his feet. "I-AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Barry had fell.right into a plothole, where he lands, we will not know till later.  
  
Bobtheklobb: Well part two is over. The adventure is beginning. How will our heroes fare in the mansion? Will Chris ever rid himself of the porno mag and rubber duck? Can Jill survive with fools? Where will Barry land? To find out, tune in, same bat time, same bat channel! 


	3. Into the mansionOF EVIL!

Bobtheklobb: Back! I Lost my love for the game!! Gotta continue, If you're a returning reader then lemme tell you what happened: The gang had found the mansion and Barry fell into a plothole, Well let's continue *Light flash* GOOFY EVIL. Disclaimer: I no own RE! Do not sue me! Oh yea, no more POVS they suck and burn the waffles.  
  
The team had stumbled into the mansion and were unaware of the EVIL about to happen.  
"Wesker, where are we?" Jill observed the large main hall in its entirety in awe.  
"HEY! An echo!" Chris giggled with glee "Underwear! Potato! Smelly!" Chris burst into uncontrollable laughter upon hearing the echo of his voice.  
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT UP!" Jill had her ears plugged and was scowling.  
"HAHAHA! OOOOOH! MILKSHAKE!!(ake-ake-ake) PWAHAHAHA!!" Chris had made a terrible mistake Jill seized him by neck and drug him to the door.  
"I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!! DIE YOU RETARDED BAFOON!" Jill had tyrannical expression on her face and had grown fangs; She reached for door handle Chris high above head.  
"Jill no, he's important to the plot,"  
"Huh?"  
"YAY! I'm a hero!"  
"SHUT IT!" (Pow!)  
"Owie!"  
"Errr. right, anyway, Chris's death would be atrocious to the plot as this is clearly his scenario and he will slay the tyrant eventually and foil my plans to eliminate all evidence of STARS and this Mansion afterwards vanishing completely thus bringing his sister to the (I should point out Wesker's face is turning blue) city in search of him where she meets Leon thus we have to two heroes of the second game which sets up for the next in the plot and the damned rumors I'm Nemesis (Now a brilliant purple) and eventually leading back to Chris and his sister trying to foil me and this weirdo blonde with the help of the most annoying prick you'll ever meet after the player (Red) thinks I am killed here by.HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEE! (passes out a neon blue tint)  
"Damn, he fainted," Chris frowned. "Well we should explore the mansion."  
"Now hold on!" Jill grabbed him by the vest "What the heck was Wesker talking about?" Chris looked back grinning "I don't know, he mentioned a villain or enemy or something." In that instant A nearby window shattered, the culprit, a large looming figure on the ground, it slowly rose up, It was an imposing beast, it's body defined by large rippled muscles and a terrifying face, the Razor fangs and lifeless eyes, the horrible beast uttered something, it's voice deep and raspy, sending a deep chill down your spine and instantly earning your fear and respect,  
"STARS." The horrible beast slowly began to lumber toward the 2 soldiers.  
"What the hell!?" Chris backed away and reached for his handgun, wait! He threw it at Brad! That sissy always seemed to screw things up no matter what! Realizing he had only his knife, he drew it from the scabbard and cautiously approached the beast. He had reached the monstrosity and drove the knife into the beast's heart area. The monster wasn't at all fazed; the monster looked into Chris's eyes with his own milky white orbs.  
".Boo,"  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!!!" Chris bolted away in fear; he resembled a bolt of lightning dashing through the two double doors, Leaving Jill to creature. Chris took a minute to regain himself, he then examined his surroundings, it was a large dining room, it seemed fairly recently made, the nachos were somewhat stale and only 2 cockroaches were found, Chris gulped up the meal and had a terrible thirst, he looked around and found a strange red substance near the fireplace. He dipped his finger into the crimson fluid and suckled it from his index flavor. Jello, his favorite flavor!! Cherry! Chris enjoyed a brief jello snack humming the tune to the old jello commercials along his merry way, the only other door was to the right, unless he faced that.monster and even worse, Jill! She was gonna castrate him for this! In a fear he dashed through the door. Meanwhile.  
'Chris, you're soooo fucked if I survive this!!' Jill thought to herself, she was left behind when Chris had pulled a "heroic act" and only managed to urinate all over the carpet and leave her to die! She drew her handgun not accepting death without a fight,  
"Whoa! Easy! Easy!"  
"Huh?" Jill raised an eyebrow, "Who are you?" The monster chuckled and extended his hand out to shake hands.  
"I'm Ned, I'm the janitor here," Jill smiled back at the creature, once you got past the razor fangs extending from his mouth and the creepy white eyes, he seemed kinda cuddly!  
"Jill," Jill shook his hand.  
"Yeah, what was that last guy all about," Ned noticed the spill all over the carpet.  
"Aw poop! Look what a mess he left all over the floor!" Ned extended a strange tentacle from his hand. The produced a mop, Ned went to work cleaning the spillage. "Sorry about that, he does that to every stranger,"  
"Ah.."  
"Yeah Ned?"  
"Hm?"  
"What is this pl- I mean, what's with this mansion?" Jill sighed in relief, that retard Barry was rubbing off on her.  
"Dunno," Ned "sheathed" the mop, "all I remember waking up here and feeling the need to clean,  
"What with the STARS thing then?"  
"Oh that," Ned laughed to himself, "I thought you were Ben Affleck and Claire Danes,"  
"Oh. Bleh, I don't look like her!" Jill stuck her tongue out in disgust.  
"Jeez, don't be so personal,"  
"Sorry, well would you stay with me till I leave?"  
"No problem,"  
"Thank you!" The two left happily skipping along, while A blonde haired man awoke,  
"Oh shit," Wesker slapped his forehead, that damned Nem!" Wesker realized that he needed to find the lug before he damaged the frail Re plot anymore than he did. Let's stop here so we can continue to ponder what the Wesk-man does in his free time. Back to Redfield. Chris stumbled down the dark corridor, (WHACK!)  
"OWIE! Damnit!" Chris brought his foot up with his hands hopping around cursing and gruntin' till the air turned blue. He looked down to see inanimate object that would soon feel his wrath. It was a camera, now what in the heck is a camera doing here!? (Crunch,) Huh? Chris immediately perked up and looked around in alert, he rounded the corner his teeth chattering extremely loud. A figure was hunched over a corpse, it was Kenneth!  
"Oh my god." Chris backed away panic stricken. The man looked at him and his face was a rotten white and that's all he caught as the creature crashed to the floor. Kenneth was up, and looked very pissed indeed!  
"There's no way in hell I'm gonna let this biatch kill me!"  
"Kenneth you-"  
"Back off pansy!" Chris felt very nervous and had a deep pity for what the creature was about to experience. "So, think you gonna kill off the black man first!" He hoisted the monster above his head, which was whimpering the entire time struggling to free itself, Kenneth tossed the man-like being into the chairs in the corner, smashing the chairs to pieces,  
"NO WAY IN HELL!" Kenneth pulled an Uzi from out of nowhere and blasted the downed creature until it resembled pulpy spam (mmm spam!)  
"Damn, always thinkin' the black man's to stupid to defend himself,  
"Well-"  
"Shut yo ass up! You a wuss!"  
"I'm not a wuss, I'll let you know I stubbed my toe watering my begonias and cried for only 10 minutes!"  
"Okay." Kenneth frowned "Well c'mon, let's just get going  
"To where?"  
"The courtyard, they have a bitchin pool,"  
"Sweet,"  
  
Bobtheklobb: So ends another installment of the series! Will Wesker save the RE plot? Will Ned find any other dangerous messes? Will Chris wait 30 minutes before swimming tune in next week same bat time same bat channel! 


End file.
